Kevin Hatfield and Bill McCoy
by Borne Wilder
Summary: An argument that needs to happen.


Damn Randall, doesn't saving your life account for nothin'?" Devil Anse filled the two whiskey glasses to the brim. "You'd be in a damn Yankee prison camp if it twern't for me."

"It shore does Anse, it means a great deal to me, but I ain't gonna portend that somethin' I know for a fact to be a lie, tis true."

"What do you mean a lie?" Anse adjusted his stance so that he was fightin' ready if Randall went so far as to call him a liar. Friend or not, no pig farmer was going to call into question the value of his integrity.

"In my opinion, I reckon Bill Paxton is ever' bit as good an actor as Kevin Costner, if not better. Ever 'one knows Costner gets to cherry pick scripts from the top of the heap. Hell, most of them been wrote with him in mind. Give him a role where he has to stretch his chops and he'd roll up in a ball. There is no way in hell he coulda pulled off Twister draggin' Helen Hunt's skinny ass around for an hour and thirty-four minutes. No sir, he woulda had some shined up, half-naked hussy like Penelope Cruz or Mandy Moore gigglin' and tail-waggin' in ever' damn scene, in order to cover his lack of talent and ability in the dramatic arts." Randall ran his finger around the rim of his whiskey. In truth, he had nothing against Kevin Costner, as a matter-of-fact, Wyatt Earp was his favorite movie of all time. He was just sick and tired of Devil Anse always getting his way in life.

"Good Lord Randall, that was one movie, sure it was a good un, although, I'm of the opinion Helen Hunt carried her fair share of water in that picture, but tarnation, Costner is a lead man. He's a goddamn Hollywood icon. There's The Postman, you've got Waterworld, Fandango, The Bodygaurd, Swing Vote, Tin Cup, Rumor Has It, Message in a Bottle, that one where he has a wolf for a pet and lives with injuns, the list goes on and on. What Does Paxton have to show for his efforts, Big Love?"

"Devil Anse, we've all done things we ain't proud of. He prolly had a crop go fail on him, and he needed the money to make ends meet. Besides, Big love ran fifty-three episodes, someone was making some money, somewhere. And for yore information, Fandango was more of an ensemble."

"You don't know pig shit from apple butter, McCoy, it twern't no ensemble, Costner was the star." Randall McCoy was Anse's oldest friend, but when it came down to movies and theater, he was as cock-eyed as a whiskey still possum. "Gimme one Oscar-worthy role Mr. Bill Paxton has given during his spell in the film industry." Anse pushed his hat back on his head a little further and turned squarely toward Randall, to emphasize the challenge.

"Weird Science, when Chet got transformed into a turd! He pulled it off without a hitch. Sure special effects and costumes dropped the ball on that one, but once he applied his craft, everyone knew that he was a turd. Why, he was so damn good in Spy Kids 2, they had him back for Spy Kids 3-D. He crushed it in Titanic.

"Hold yer horses, McCoy, Paxton was not in Titanic."

"He was so, Devil Anse, right at the beginning and then again at the end." Randall poked his finger into the bar twice.

"If you say so, I sure as hell don't remember him innit."

"Well he was, and if they'd been smart, they would have hired him for the sequel. Costner ain't done no sequels has he? Unless you count two shitty movies in a row, then I reckon he's done quite a few." Before he continued McCoy glanced down at Devil's hog leg, looking for any tell that Hatfield might be preparing to draw down on him. "Bill's performance in Tombstone was so powerful; you had to squint your eyes to see if Kurt Russell was even in the damn movie." Randall knew he was pushin' for a fight, but Hatfield's smug look tore at his gut and in his heart of hearts, he felt Bill Paxton was not just an actor, but a thespian by all accounts.

"Kurt Russell is a has-been." Devil Anse growled through a look of disgust. He thought the way Kurt treated Goldie in Overboard was shameful and reflected poorly on men folk in general.

"That is neither here, nor there, Devil Anse, my point is, Paxton was the star of that picture, he can't be cast as a supporting actor, he always commands the screen. What about his line, 'She has an ass like a ten-year-old boy.' In True Lies? That is now a household catch-phrase from Arkysaw to Greenbow, Alabama. His superior talent as an actor is as clear as the nose on yore face, Devil Anse." Randall tossed back the last of his whiskey and tugged hard on the brim of his hat. "If I hear you slander Mr' Paxton again, we won't be havin' words, you'll be receiving a visit from Mr. Perry Cline Esquire. G'day." Randall McCoy turned and walked slowly toward the door of the saloon, he had said his peace, and he had meant every word.

"Hey Meat." Devil Anse said in his best Bull Durham era Costner.

McCoy stopped dead in his tracks. He had a feeling that Hatfield would never let this rest.

"Yer wrong about Fandango bein' an ensemble, Randall" Devil Anse was not finished with Randall McCoy. "Costner made that movie."

As quick as lightening, McCoy spun on his heel. "It was too an ensemble. Think about it Anse." he pleaded, weary of the argument. "It's true, Costner's name was used a lot in the marketing of Fandango, but if you took Judd Nelson out of the equation, it wouldn't have had the box office success it enjoyed. Mark my words, Devil Anse, in five years; Kevin Costner is going to be doing car commercials with Matthew McConaughey. Now I'm going home." Randall turned once again and strode toward the door. In hindsight, he wished he'd used A Simple Plan as an example, instead of Twister. Without Paxton, Billy Bob Thornton would still be a nobody.


End file.
